Safe Luxury

graveside service for burial of ashes--what is typical?

I went to the first service for burial of ashes I've ever been to and was shocked to have a gravedigger roll up the astroturf, lay down on the muddy ground, and drop the box into the vault when the minister finished her words. Is this typical? They also were out there with the backhoe filling in the hole before the family was even back to the car! This was the burial of my father a week ago, and I am not kidding about the details. The top of the hole was at least 2 feet above the top of edge of the small square concrete container in the ground, so the guy had to lay down and drop the wooden box with ashes in, then lower a concrete lid onto the top. The backhoe was probably holding the dirt they had taken out of the hole, but they could have waited until we were gone to move in and dump the dirt! Yes, there was a velvet bag holding the wooden box when it was brought to the plot, but it was removed before the graveside service. Knowing that this is not typical, I am going to talk to relatives in the area and have them say something to the director of the cemetery!

Public Comments

1. I honestly have never been to a burial of ashes funeral, but I must agree that having the backhoe filling in the hole was VERY tacky! I personally would call the funeral company and express your concerns regarding the lack of respect for the family. Sounds to me like they were in a hurry. In my area the gravediggers and the monument company are seperate from the funeral company, out of all the funerals I have been to the workers other than the funeral service company employees stay on the other side of the cemetary unless they happen to know the deceased and wish to pay their respects. Anyway the equipment and workers stay a great distance and wait until the family has left. Like I said, I would make some phone calls and express these concerns.
2. Not at any burial of ashes I've seen. There should have been a small casket or urn of ashes visible to all. The burial should not have taken place until the mourners have left the cemetery. I have seen the backhoe guys waiting a hundred or so yards away at several funerals, but I've never seen them start the burial. I suppose there's the possibility that the religious beliefs required that the ashes be lowered in view of the mourners, but most don't even do this anymore.
3. Never heard of this either.
4. My children buried their Father's ashes and purchased a head stone. Back hoe operators are to wait until everyone has left. Usually one family member stays behind to be sure the job is finished up nicely. My Mother and niece buried my sisters and brothers ashes at the plot where my youngest sister and grandparents are buried. At my youngest sisters feet. They did not ask permission. I don't think anyone knows or cares except a small hadful of family.
5. Ashes are usually scattered out here in Southwest Texas on a ranch or in the flow of the Nueces River. This is usually done in the presence of family and perhaps a very close friend or two. The traditional burial of the body in the Church Yard or Public Community Cemetery or a Family Cemetery out on a ranch is still the most common as us folks follow tradition pretty darn close.
6. I am a funeral director and in all the years I've been in this industry, I have never seen that happen at an interment of ashes. In Ontario, Canada, usually, but not always, a funeral director will attend the burial. Traditionally, the Urn sits on the ground in front of the grave for the duration of the graveside service. Some clergy like to do the committal part of the service and say the final prayers before the Urn is lowered......others prefer to have it lowered after the service but before the committal and final prayers. Whenever it is lowered, the Urn is usually placed into a velvet bag with draw strings which are a good 18" long so once the Urn is in the bag, the funeral director will lower the bag by the draw strings. USUALLY, that's as much as the family want to be present for but there are as many variations as there are families..... *there might not be a funeral director present and the family will look after the entire service on their own. *some families don't want the Urn lowered until after they leave because they don't want to see it going into the ground *sometimes if it's a wet area of the cemetery, the grave will fill with water and if thats the case the funeral director discusses with the family whether they want it lowered at the time of service or after everyone is gone and the water will be pumped out prior to lowering the Urn *sometimes the family request a shovel so that each family member can shovel a scoop of earth into the grave. There is NO need to lay flat to inter an Urn....the grave is usually only 18" deep and Urns are never "dropped", they are placed! And whether family were there or not, they don't close a grave for ashes with a back hoe!! 4-6 small spades full of dirt will fill a grave that size! They don't even use backhoes to open graves that size!......they are hand dug! If your facts are accurate, they need to be reported to the manager at the cemetery office. There is NO excuse for that and it's not acceptable. If a funeral director is present, he/she will stay behind until the grave is closed to ensure everything is handled correctly. If a funeral director is not present, there is supposed to be a cemetery staff standing in the background observing. The entire scenario you've presented seems pretty far fetched. There would be h*ll to pay if anyone tried that where I live and work! Edit: Have just read the answers you have received and wanted to add one comment re those who suggested complaining to the funeral home........yes, they certainly can act on your behalf, but usually funeral directors only arrange to have a grave opened as a courtesy to the family. Most cemeteries are owned and operated totally separate from funeral home. It is usually only Corporate funeral homes who own and operate both funeral homes and cemeteries and crematoriums. This is one of the problems with Corporations taking over the industry.....they have complete control over things like this. If it was a private, church owned, or municipal cemetery, you would be better to deal directly with the cemetery as it's out of the funeral directors control......but the funeral director would certainly be interested in knowing and would assist you and advise you as they would know what the regulations and legalities are in your area.
7. If it was muddy they may have worried about the grave caving in.I am not really familiar with that service...
8. As with any burial, covering the container should wait until the mourners have left. I'd definitely make a complaint to the cemetery and the mortuary that handled the burial. However, there's always humor (OK, OK, morbid, black humor) in these things. When we interred my Dad's ashes next to my mom's grave, the cemetery worker that placed the box in the grave fell head-first after it! His legs were waving in the air and we all had to grab his feet to pull him out. I could hear BOTH my mom & dad (and grandpa too!) laughing hysterically. We Irish have a skewed sense of humor, don't we...
9. I've never seen it done this way ..
10. The way I figure it, that kind of negates the point. Why get creamated, if you are going to bury the ashes. What is that the worms go in the worms go out kind of thing. As for me give me a cardboard box, put me in the oven and then scatter my ashes. I'm not really there anyway. My Soul has left the container. Just another cost to be added to the funeral, save the money and give it to your kin. He-- in a 100 years they will just dig it up and put in a parking lot anyway. Scatter the ashes where you want them to go, and be done with it. Or put them in an urn and put on your fireplace mantle, or whatever
11. Oh that was really undignified and gross. And that's not typical of any funeral I've been to where someone has been cremated and burried. When you pay the bill for the funeral home you really should complain, that was just totally ignorant.