Safe Luxury

I think I'm losing my touch as a writer. Can you review this opening for me?

I would like to pursue a career in writing (and have done since I was 6), but I fear Im getting worse. Please review the opening to this story I am writing. Be as harsh or as kind as you need to be. Thanks. PROLOGUE All’s fair in love and war. At least, that was what Cora had been told. It was, of course, completely untrue. If all was fair, her baby wouldn’t be in hiding with her mother. If all was fair, she would still be able to see Atreyu, the love of her life. If all was fair, there would be no love and no war. ONE The violet hues of dawn illuminated the blanket of snow which had fallen on Cyprien Forrest. By the time they found the body, it would be nothing but a pile of bones. The forest was Hero’s favourite place to hunt. It snowed all year round, Snow made the animals and slow and weak; they were easier to catch like that. So were the humans. Hero had been lucky that morning. A traveller had wandered off the trail and gotten lost. He was dying of hypothermia when she found him. She put him out of his misery almost instantly. After making and incision on the neck with her razor sharp tongue, she proceeded to drain the corpse. She supposed drinking blood made her a cannibal. Or a half-cannibal. After all, she was only half-human. She removed his wallet from his inner coat pocket and took a look. It was filled with pictures of children – his children. Hero waited for her emotions to kick in. She was expecting to feel guilty, but she didn’t. She never did. ------------------------------------- It was 8 o’clock by the time Hero arrived home. Cross was already awake. “You’re late, Cora,” Cross said, reaching for her pills. Cora was Hero's middle name. Cross always used it and Hero never objected. Hero passed them to her. “Sorry. I lost track of time.” “That’s okay. You home safe is all that matters.” Cross swallowed her pills with a glass of water and put them back on the coffee table. “Do you want some breakfast?” Hero offered. “I’m capable of making my own breakfast, dear. Just because I can’t see, doesn’t mean I’m blind, not incapable.” She rose from her chair, pushed the dark glasses up her nose, and then made her way to the kitchen with the aid of her walking stick. “You should get ready for school.” “Are you sure you’re okay.” “I can manage just fine, thank you,” Hero walked slowly to the bathroom. She was in no hurry; it took her just minutes to get to school. Superhuman speed was one of the very few advantages of being a monster She took her time, brushing her through her silky golden locks carefully. She stared into the mirror, looking for any traces of blood around her face. As usually, she was spotless. Her eyes were burning crimson as they always were after a meal, but she knew that the silvery-grey would return before she got to school. Nobody would know any different.. Nobody would ever see these eyes. The eyes of a killer. Just incase you are unclear about what's going on, the girl Cora in the prologue is the mother of Hero and the daughter of Cross. Cora and Atreyu died in said war, so Hero being taken care of by Cross. Please don't say this is like Twilight, because it isn't. Trust me. Hero is not a vampire or a half-vampire. She is half-human, and half-Cruentus, Cruenti being a race of parasites evolved from humans. Honestly, not all stories about vampires, or vampire like creatures are a rip off of Twilight. There were plenty of vampire books before Twilight. Nobody ever says "Oh, Twilight is a rip off of Interview with the Vampire." or any other vampire story. I have spent weeks creating this race of creatures, and although they have similarities to vampires, they are nothing like the Cullens. I can assure you of that. The half-cruentus thing does get explained later on in the story. Cyprien Forest is a forest. Like Epping Forest in England. Its just the name of a place. Cyprien Forest is a forest. Like Epping Forest in England. Its just the name of a place. Cyprien Forest is a forest. Like Epping Forest in England. Its just the name of a place.

Public Comments

1. You'll need to change a few things around if you want people to take your writing seriously. You don't want to hear it... But it's too much like Twilight. Blood-drinking? Eyes turning crimson? Sorry, but not very original. Overall, it was good. There were a few minor mistakes, but your writing style is better than alot of the other stuff that I have read on here.
2. I liked it. It flowed well, there are a few typo's but nothing to harp on about and your grammar is careful, The name Atreyu may need a little alteration as it is from The Neverending Story by Michael Ende. Because of its popularity if other folk are like me when they read that name will start thinking of the other book, which distracts from what you've created. Just a thought. Good luck with the rest of it.
3. i liked it, if you really like writing you should post your stories on mibba.com you would get heaps of reviews and comments that way, but yes i really do like it because it is different but i suggest you explain abit more about the half moster that she is because other wise (if you have read twilight) it would be too easy to assume cora is half vampire
4. I just have a few things. First what is a Cyprien forrest? A forrest in Cypress (Cyprian Forrest?)? Because as far as I call tell Cyprien is not a real word (I could how ever be wrong). Or is it meant to be a made up place? I do like this story and think you are doing a great job, but I also have to agree that it has the feel of jumping on the Twilight wagon. Maybe make it more clear that this girl is not a vampire. I also get that this is just the very beginning so you may be planning on doing that later already. Any ways good luck, sounds great.
5. Got some potential. Some of your wording doesn't seem right. Also I'm not sure how likable your main character is. Usually that's kind of important.
6. Um, Cora immediately annoys me because it is obvious she has utterly misunderstood the phrase "all's fair in love and war"... it basically means, anything goes. You didn;t make it clear who Cora was (I assumed you were talking about Hero). And you make her too different... silvery grey eyes, "Hero" etc. Otherwise it's ok, although it would depend on how the story developed. For example, touching the wallet? Well, that adds fingerprints to the already quite extensive DNA evidence.... (Oh. I answered your second question first...)
7. I like it. It draws you in to the story and makes me wanna know more. Keep it up!