Safe Luxury

Rate the first bit of my book please- help and reviews appreciated. =]]?

The air was strangely warm for early November- all day the sun had peeked out at the small town from behind fleeting thin stretches of clouds. Now as the sun finally set over the horizon, teenagers, free from school for the next two days, swarmed the streets, enjoying what they could of this unexpected reprieve from autumn's chill. Young couples strolled the sidewalks, fingers interlocked while they laughed and joked, shoving playfully. However, something else roamed the streets, alongside the innocent youths. For the most part, he didn't attract attention as he strode purposefully towards his destination. The boy looked to be around eighteen- his frame was just the right height- his chest wide while lean- his wiry muscles gave him a toned look- enough to make him look mysterious and dangerous. He slipped silently into the bookstore at the corner- a tiny, one story brick building. The girl behind the counter looked positively mutinous as she glared out the window at her friends and classmates, clearly envious. However, the moment she looked at his face, a seductive smile leapt to her lips. His face was enough to fill her stomach with butterflies- but when he walked past, not so much as glancing at her, she propped her head back up in her hand, and stared at the place where he'd disappeared between bookshelves. She dwelled on the fleeting look of what she deemed perfection. The cheekbones- high and proud. His lips- she shivered a little at the memory. His upper lip was full- and yet nearly hidden by the pouting, lower- twisted eternally into a smirk. His nose was perfect and clear, as were his cheeks and forehead- not the faintest trace of the blemishes that were a teenagers torture distorted his features. And then- her heart skipped a beat just daring to peek at the recollection of this stranger's eyes. They were pitch black- of that she was certain- but the darkest blue spiraled out from the irises- swirling around until it formed a ring aorund his dark pupils. His hair was ear length and black- worn in a carefully casual diasrray, framing his perfect face- just a little messier than the current style. She hadn't noticed, of course, the monster, always lingering behind the face of a model, the perfect, pointed teeth behind those perfect lips. Hidden from sight in between the first shelves he'd come to- he felt better. For 269 years, he'd roamed the planet- running when he felt the need, sleeping when he grew weary, and hunting when the thirst began to burn in his mouth. But even after that nearly incomprehensible number of years, he shuddered under public scrutiny. From the moment the sun had risen that morning, he'd ben active- perfecting his plans- walking the path he'd be following later on in the night. He had endured the gentle agony of the sun's relentless gaze for some thirteen hours. The crippling pain of standing in a spotlight, with all eyes on you- feeling horribly exposed, which went against the simplest nature of the vampires. Now, alone and indoors, his body finally was able to relax- and he found himself adjusting, with relief, to the safety of night. He almost grinned- but then he realized just what section of the story he'd taken sanctuary in. The young adult. His teeth clenched at the sight of the book covers around him. Row after row of vampire novels met his beautiful eyes, currently narrowed into dangerous slits. The books pushed him to the edge of anger, they never failed to make his eyes flash with the dangerous fury of his kind. The bookstore was his safe-haven- so calming was the atmosphere that more than once he'd fallen asleep in one of the armchairs my the tiny fireplace- waking up to find that the kindly old woman who ran the store had draped a home-knitted quilt over him in the night. Back in 2005, he'd read one of these novels- in those days very few books of it's kind were in circulation- he'd been drawn in by it's elegantly simple cover. By the end of the novel he was beyond loathing for the unknown woman whose name was printed across the glossy cover. Until that point- his people had been thought of as monsters- the evil creatures of myth, legend, and nightmares. In this book, there were GOOD vampires! They were idolized, thrown into an admirable light after centuries of much deserved darkness. What do you guys think so far?? Yes, I was alluding to Twilight with the book he picked up in the shop- =]] He didn't like it much- Yes, I'm continuing with it- and to the first answerer- I'd email you more- but you "don't allow email." =]] I have a better version- with better wording that I'm typing up to get published. =]]

Public Comments

1. One thing to say. WOW. You're such a good writer! Are you continuing with this? If you are please let me read the rest! Im amazed that this isn't published yet, seriously, that was good. Was the other book that he picked up in the shop Twilight by any chance? x
2. Wow! I like that its not just another vampire story, but it's actually talking about how everyone tries to write them now! Definitely keep going.
3. Reminded me too much of Twilight for my liking ;- But it's pretty good
4. Seriously? I love it! I would love to read more. And i love the reference to twilight an how he loathes Steph. :D
5. Wow, that was good! You should take this right to an agent when you're finished, because, most likely, they'd love it! Please post the rest of it on here! =]
6. That's honestly amazing-- I would definitley buy it if that was all the book was! Just remember not to end all of the similies, metaphors,and those big words and seem just "another one of those Twilight wannabe authors", but seriously, that was very good, if I was an agent I'd make sure that book was published everywhere. Just one question (and I'm guessing the book he'd picked up was Twilight by Stephenie Meyer), why did he loath her if she'd made the vampires good? Hope This Helps! Bethan D, Wales, UK.
7. I love it, Definitely better than my story. Its amazing how some people can write with such breath taking ability I really admire this story, and i hope i get the chance to read the rest of it some day. And thanks for the comment on my story i will definitely try to add some more detail in there. Thanks, Tiffany♥
8. that was amazing! seriously very very very good!! PLease post more of the story i really want to read the rest! thanks =]
9. Very good, keep at it please and I hope to see such a fine story in my bookstore within the next few years, I will certainly be buying it! I love your descriptions and i have already fallen in love with the protagonist, and there is definitely room to expand the plot line further, wow i wish i could write like this...*sighs*... -Singstar1881-
10. OH...MY!!! Hi it's BATMAN. Er thanks for the great book selection! That was... AWSOME! i got this feeling like my hart pounds and a tingling-butterflys in My stomach-sensation. I always get that when I read a good book! You story...there is no words! Those characters are so alive. I can see them. Plz E-mail me the rest.Please,please! Its like a must read! Your famous. arellano.perla@yahoo.com
11. You wrote this so well. You managed to grab the readers attention so easily in those few paragraphs and it had everything in that little space. You have to carry on with it and get it published because i am sure many would buy it. It is a great beginning and if you ever do post more i will most definitely read it. Very well done x
12. wow thats wikid
13. OMG LEXI THAT IS INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!u better remember me when ur famous!
14. OH MY GOD!!!! that is sooo good! it is nothing like twilight! you seariously need to keep writting and when you do put up another thing cause i want to read that sucker!!! your a great writter! -Shay♥