Safe Luxury

Can you review my poem? ...please? :)?

A man walks in with slanted eyes ‘My fear of losing love’ he cries, ‘is lush a comrade for my sin of which I fuel with grim and gin. ‘She lay across my Judas bed when whirlpools stung right through my head. And though my eyes saw hooker face, behind them sat a rose and vase.’ So in ran night and rain and grey when all the doors were shut that day. His lips collide with sorrow’s pine and dance, ‘I need you, valentine.’ Ok... I guess you could say this is my first real poem... I write song lyrics, but they're pretty much never this sad... so yeah... tell me what you think :) If you don't understand something, let me know I think this pretty much explains the vague-ish parts for whoever doesn't get them - It’s about a man who desperately wants love, but hasn’t found it yet. In the second paragraph, the rose and vase refer to a really secure state of love... like, the rose is symbolic for love, and its vase is a kind of home, or a safe shelter... and he sees all that behind his eyes... so, in that paragraph, he’s with a hooker, and the whirlpools are his orgasms and emotional rushes in general, and even though he’s looking at a hooker, behind his eyes he’s pretending they’re in true love... does that make sense? The night and rain and grey part was meant to sound as if it was happening to the room he was in, but it’s actually about himself at the moment he’s telling all this... I kind of imagined him to be in a bar or something, and he’s having some kind of emotional break-down where everything’s just spilling out of him. So the night is kind of his dark mood in general, and the rain is him crying, and the grey is his sadness... but his “doors were shut” because he’s not actually opening himself up to them, he doesn’t know a single person there, he’s just desperate for release. His sin is how he takes his need for love out on hookers... and “valentine” isn’t the name of anyone, it’s a general reference to the fact that he needs his own valentine. Thanks :) ...i'm not sure if any of you are going to re-read this page, but in case you do... i know that a lot of it is vague, but i did that on purpose... i like the reader to be really stumped when the meaning isn't obvious and in-their-face, so they can figure it out themselves... that's why i put the meanings below the poem... alen, why didn't you like 'hooker'? i felt a bit hesitant about using that word, but it didn't really click why... do you think it's just too.. slang-ish? thankyou to everyone who's reviewed!!!! really, you guys are so sweet, i didn't think i'd get this much feedback... thankyou so much!! :) yash.... umm... no, i'm australian... why?

Public Comments

1. I personally love it, I like misery poems myself. I think your emotions found there ideas and your ideas found the words perfectly. keep it up!
2. I didn't read the paragraphs after your poem, but the poem itself needs some work. It's vague. It does have decent meter and rhyme though. Give it a night or two's sleep and rewrite it.
3. well i like it. :) it is very meaningful and well written. and is very smilar to one of my favourite styles to write. (i love writing rhyming poetry with small lines. i just usually write in a slightly different rhyme scheme when i write poems.)
4. Apart from "hooker" I like your poem. A few things are a bit vague, like rose and vase reference. The meter however is perfect, it flows very well. I don't know what that guy thought who said there is no rhythm, the rhythm is great. Very good effort, and thousand times better than almost everything posted here.
5. Yep, I actually got all of it but the whirlpools and the rose in its vase Very nice flow! I'd say the second stanza is most unclear. This is due to the fact that you play with the perspective. It appears that for most of the first two stanza's the man is relating his story to the reader, whereas in the last stanza it's third person. It is also my opinion that the 'when whirlpools stung right through my head' is by far the weakest line. However, overall I'm quite impressed with your poem. Especially the flow and the attention to detail. You put a lot of thought in to each line. Good job, perfectionist!
6. gr8 poem bit lenghty 4/5
7. Are u an Indian?