Safe Luxury

Pls rate my story form 1-10?

It was a normal day. Or so I thought. I had to go to the bank to see about a student loan that I needed. I got up, got dressed bushed my teeth did my hair and makeup. When I finally got to the bank there was a huge line up, just great I thought. I waited and waited and waited until finally only one person was left in front of me. The line behind me was about as big as when I had come in. I tapped my foot impatiently. I studied the woman in front of me she was in her mid 30’s a child had his arms rapped around her legs. I smiled at him, he hid his face in his mothers jeans. The man behind me was standing awfully close. I could feel his breath on my neck. I lifted the collar of my sweater so I couldn’t. ‘EVERY BODY GET DOWN’ I heard someone say then I herd the shot of a gun and I didn’t hesitate. I covered my head. The woman in front of me was acting like a force field to her son. Another yell came ‘Against the counter now all of you’ I did as I was told. People scrambling to come against the counter it was mayhem. I know saw that there was three men in black with masks on they all had shot guns in there hand. ‘All cell phones, guns pagers in the bag’ said the tallest one another one came around with a bag I quickly got out my cell phone and put it in when he came but. I caught a glimpse of his eyes. I wasn’t good at reading emotions but I could tell he was scared. I herd the cop cars come, for some reason I felt relived but I knew I shouldn’t. I had seen to many cop shows to know this wasn’t even close to the end. He went up to one of the clerks. ‘Where’s the manager?’ he asked. She selfishly gave him up and pointed to a short balding man. ‘Get up’ he said to the man pulling him up by his shirt. He pushed him into the other accomplice’s hands. ‘Lead him to the vault, and open it or else’ the manger nodded and lead the accomplice to a back room. The phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times. The man picked it up. ‘Hello’ he said with a smile ‘my demands? Simple. Just a free pass out of this country back to my home land Cuba’ I could here muffled talking on the other end ‘Sure’ he said still smiling ‘Send someone in, only one person and no weapons but I’ll let you know this I’m not changing my mind’ He hung up the phone. He looked at me. I felt fear rush through my body. He picked me up turned me around and held the gun to my head. I felt tears pour down my face. I saw my life flash in front of me. I didn’t know this man, but he seemed capable of murder. There was a knock at the door. ‘You’ he said pointing his gun to the child of the lady who was in front of me ‘Get it’ the child looked scared. But he got up and opened the door. A man came in he was tall buff and looked like he meant business. He looked at me. He walked forward slowly. The little boy was walking behind him. ‘Stop’ Said the man I could smell his breath, it smelled like peppermint. The other man stopped. The boy ran back to his mother. A dangerous move I thought. ‘Hello’ said the man ‘I’m officer Nova’ Nobody spoke it was dead quiet ‘Just give me what I want’ said the man ‘Or I’ll kill every person in this place’ He put the gun tighter to my head. I stopped breathing. Any second I thought and I’ll be gone. Gone forever. ‘What’s your name?’ officer nova asked me ‘Jeeeennny’ I stuttered ‘Jenny’ he smiled ‘Give me a hostage’ he said to the man ‘Give me jenny’ Yes please I thought. Please god get me out of here ‘No’ said the man ‘Just one’ said officer nova ‘Please’ I said that made the man laugh ‘Fine’ said the man and I got a glimpse at hope ‘Take the kid though and while you’re out there find out if my demands are ready yet’ my hope faded and I got even scareder. Officer Nova took the child and left. The accomplice and the manager came back. They both had a huge bag full of money in there hand. ‘Please Jarred’ said the other accomplice who had taken my cell phone ‘Lets just leave, bank robberies not as bad as murder you can get off easy.’ ‘Shut it’ said Jarred he took the gun from my hand and shot the boy. I closed my eyes when I herd the shot. Jarred and the other accomplice just laughed. I cried. ‘It will be you next’ he whispered into my ear ‘If you don’t shut up’ that shut me up. Five minutes later Officer Nova came back. ‘How’s my Demands coming?’ asked Jarred Officer Nova looked at the boy on the floor. ‘Let me take him and I’ll tell you’ ‘No’ said Jarred you tell me now’ ‘You let me take him or no deal’ Jarred stared at him thinking ‘Fine’ he finally said ‘Take the little prat, but be back in five or I kill the girl’ I didn’t think I could possibly get more scared but I did. This was it the end. The world could go on with out me. I hoped my parents wouldn’t morn over my death that was the one thing I feared their unhappiness. Officer Nova came back. Thank goodness I thought. Though I didn’t feel any better. ‘Now’ said Jarred ‘My demands’ ‘Sorry’ Officer Nova ‘Not gunna happen’

Public Comments

1. Everyone starts with it was a...sunny/rainy/cold ect. try starting it another was.I rate it a big 4 due to spelling errors and prat and gunna?wt?
2. 5.8 It was a good plot line, but you really need to work on developing your characters more. Put more in your story about what Jenny feels when all this is going on. Also, work on your grammar. It has a lot of potential. You just need to work a little harder. (:
3. ok wow umm i guess the officer shot all the burglars and he saved the day i give it a 5
4. I give you a ... 4!! Good idea, but horribly written.
5. First off, there are so many stories that start off, "I woke up, took a shower, etc..." It's not creative. Try something leading up to the bank robbery, about how unassuming the character is of what happened and how when they woke up they weren't thinking about it. SOMETHING other than the ho-hum waking up routine opening. Also, the least you can do when displaying your writing is making an attempt at grammatical and spelling errors. It's very distracting to the reader. I rate this a 4.