Safe Luxury

Please rate my story from 1-10?

Here's part one of my story, i will try to put part two up but if it doesn't work and you want to read more just go to my profile and look at me questions it will be there anyways here it is: It was a normal day. Just like any other day, I got up got ready. I had to go to the bank to see about a student loan that I needed. Traffic was horrendous. It took man an hour to get to the bank instead of the usual half an hour. When I finally got to the bank there was a huge line up, just great I thought. I waited and waited and waited until finally only one person was left in front of me. I looked behind me; the line was about as big as when I had came in. I tapped my foot impatiently. I studied the woman in front of me she was in her mid 30’s, a child had his arms rapped around her legs. I smiled at him, he hid his face in his mothers jeans. The man behind me was talking loudly on his cell phone. It just annoyed me more. I hated coming to the bank. It was so annoying. ‘EVERYBODY GET DOWN’ I heard someone yell I didn’t hesitate. A gunshot echoed in my ears, Fear ran through me, all my senses disappeared. I covered my head. The woman in front of me was acting like a force field to her son. Covering him protecting him from harm. Another yell came ‘Against the counter now all of you’ I did as I was told. People were scrambling everywhere, it was kayos. I know saw that there were three men all dressed in Cloths as black as night. They each had a mask on with only eyeholes. In each of there hands were a shotgun I shuttered when I saw them. ‘All cell phones, guns pagers in the bag’ said the tallest one. The smallest one who looked like a boy, came around with a bag. I quickly got out my cell phone and put it in when he came. I caught a glimpse of his eyes. I wasn’t good at reading emotions but I could tell he was scared. I herd the Sirens, The sound of relief, but I had seen to many cop shows to know this wasn’t even close to the end. The tallest guy went up to one of the clerks. ‘Where’s the manager?’ he asked. She selfishly gave him up and pointed to a short balding man. ‘Get up’ he said to the man pulling him up by his shirt. He pushed him into the third accomplice’s hands. ‘Lead him to the vault, and open it or else’ he told the manager the manger nodded and lead the accomplice to a back room. The phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times. The tall man picked it up. ‘Hello’ he said with a smile ‘my demands? Simple. Just a free pass out of this country back to my homeland Cuba’ I could hear muffled talking on the other end. ‘Sure’ he said still smiling ‘Send someone in, only one person and no weapons but I’ll let you know this I’m not changing my mind’ He hung up the phone. He looked at me. I wanted to faint at least then I wouldn’t have to feel this fear. He picked me up turned me around and held the gun to my head. I felt tears pour down my face. I saw my life flash in front of me. I didn’t know this man, but he seemed capable of murder. There was a knock at the door. ‘You’ he said pointing his gun to the child of the lady who was in front of me ‘Get it’ the child looked scared. But he got up and opened the door. A man came in he was tall buff and looked like he meant business. He looked at me. He walked forward slowly. The little boy was walking behind him. ‘Stop’ Said the tall man his peppermint breath burnt into my skin. The other man stopped. The boy ran back to his mother. A dangerous move I thought. ‘Hello’ said the man ‘I’m officer Nova’ Nobody spoke it was dead quiet. Fear filled the room. ‘Just give me what I want’ said the man ‘Or I’ll kill every person in this place’ He put the gun tighter to my head. I stopped breathing. Any second I thought and I’ll be gone. Gone forever. ‘What’s your name?’ officer nova asked me ‘Jeeeennny’ I managed to get out ‘Jenny’ he smiled ‘Give me a hostage’ he said to the tall man ‘Give me jenny’ Yes please I thought. Please god get me out of here ‘No’ said the man. Please gods please. ‘Just one’ said officer nova ‘Please’ I said that made the tall man laugh ‘Fine’ said the man and I got a glimpse at hope ‘Take the kid’ he said pointing to the boy my hope faded and the full strength of my fear returned. ‘And while you’re out there find out if my demands are ready yet’ Officer Nova took the child and left. The accomplice and the manager came back. They both had a huge bag full of money in there hand. ‘Please Jarred’ said the other accomplice who had taken my cell phone ‘Lets just leave, bank robberies not as bad as murder you can get off easy.’ ‘Shut it’ said Jarred he took the gun from my head and shot the boy. I closed my eyes when I herd the shot. Jarred and the other accomplice just laughed. I cried. ‘It will be you next’ he whispered into my ear ‘If you don’t shut up’ that shut me up. Five minutes later Officer Nova came back. ‘How’s my Demands coming?’ asked Jarred. Officer Nova looked at the boy on the floor. ‘Le

Public Comments

1. The beginning a little weak, but after that it was really good. "his peppermint breath burnt into my skin" I loved how you really made us feel what it was like. Good job
2. nice nice nice. 8.7 is what i would give it
3. I agree with the person above. Although I haven't seen enough to rate it, I'll be happy to read all of it for you and give constructive criticism, so far, very good. Mimsie.
4. I almost didn't make it through because the spelling and grammar are so incredibly wrong.You really need to spell check and grind into your brain certain words like "no" and "know." You need to use better punctuation and your dialogue is all over. Try using more commas: "Please," I said. That made the tall man laugh. The beginning sentence is also very weak. No one wants read about a normal day. You also use waaaay too much "I did this" I did that" "I had to go do this" Also, you don't have to say "blah blah blah," I thought. because if you're talking in first person.....we KNOW what you're thinking. Um the PLOT seems interesting...I don't think I'd continue reading unless all the spelling, grammar, and punctation errors were fixed. Oh and it's "Jared" not "Jarred." But the best way to get better is to keep writing sooo yeah. Spellcheck. Final answer: 5, needs improvement EDIT: I re-read the ending. You should show more. "They laughed. I cried." That's just telling. Explain the emotions she felt as the man was murdered right in front of her. Describe the tears and her thoughts more....to me the main character seems like a piece of cardboard.
5. The entire first paragraph could be cut. Why? Because nothing exciting is happening here. The first paragraph and the first sentence is the most important. That is the only opportunity you have to hook a reader in. If I picked up a book and the first paragraph read like yours, I would put the book right back on the shelf. As for the rest of your story, you need to do some editing. You have many typos and spelling/grammar errors in there. It also sounds like you are reporting what's happening from the sidelines like some newscaster. Get into your characters heads and show us what they're feeling.