Safe Luxury

Why is my husband so upset about my decision to not have a traditional funeral when I die?

I just told my husband that I would like to donate my organs when I die and donate my brain for scientific study. The rest of me I'd like to have cremated and gradually spread at various places that mean a lot to me. I just want a simple impromptu memorial service at a church; no casket and no funeral home involvement. My husband on the other hand believes in traditional costly funerals with open viewings and large headstones. His mom has practically begged his dad to spend 10's of thousands on a HUGE burial vault when she dies. He was always taught that this was the ONLY way to go so now he's mad at me. My parents don't believe in funerals period. My dad wants to be cremated and have his ashes scattered in the Delaware Bay, where he's fished for years; my mom wants the same thing except she wants to be scattered in a field of wildflowers. They've always said to simply remember them when I see someone fishing or in a garden or what have you. I also feel that spending thousands on a funeral is just plain wasteful. I'd rather see the $10,000+ he would spend on a funeral buy $10,000 worth of toys for Toys for Tots; $10,000 worth of food for the local food bank; buy 20 basic computers to establish a computer/learning lab at a school or library in a dirt poor rural area in the south, Appalachian Mountains or some other ignored area in need. When I get to heaven God isn't going to care how extravagant my funeral was; he's going to ask me how many people I touched in my lifetime on this earth.

Public Comments

1. Just let him know what this means to you to have your funeral this way. I am sure if you tell him why you want it this way he will understand more and just talk about it.
2. he's upset because of your death wishes!!! tell you husband to stop being a " mama's boy" and get over it!!!
3. Maybe a compromise... have some of your ashes saved in an urn which can be buried with your husband, if you die first of course....or maybe a lock of your hair. And if he dies first, you can have your urn buried next to him. Either way, you can have your name on the headstone.
4. each person wants what they want. its great if they want or can afford to bury like that as i am a burial person i love to go and sit at someones grave and talk but you know its up to each person. i have my hubby in an urn cause i need him with me if i head to Michigan he can go and if i go somewhere else he'll be with me. but i was going to bury him and stuff but found out it was so expensive that i decided that was it. now for my burial i am doing nearly same thing you are cause i am sure when i am gone no one will be there for me and i am just going the way i nearly came and that is dust to dust and ashes to ashes. so that is it for me also its crazy how much money things cost when one dies. take care.
5. he might not be so much angry as scared, talking about death and funeral arrangements scares alot of people, but you should put your wishes down in writing and put it with your will and another copy with a close friend or relative, so that when you do die your wishes are carried out. maybe tell him that you respect his wishes for when he dies, and he doesn't have to agree with your choice but he should at least respect it, and follow through with it
6. For a lot of people, religion plays a huge part in how they are to be dealt with after they pass away. Many religions have specific guidelines, and perhaps your husband is following his? You should try to explain why you want what you want, and emphasize that he can be buried in whichever method he wishes. It's your body--you should be able to choose and have his support in that decision.
7. this is a tough question. on the one hand it is YOUR funeral and you should have some say in how it's handled. on the other hand, funerals are actually FOR the surviving family. it's a matter of closure and helps them to deal with the loss. is there no way a compromise couldn't be struck? when my mother-in-law died, she was cremated, but we had a memorial service for her at her church. would something on that order work? i think your husband has to be sensitive to your wishes, but you also need to be sensitive to what he's going to need to deal with your loss. that's all assuming you go first. if he's not in the picture at that point, do it your way.
8. Maybe he just doesn't like the thought of burning you? My mom just passed away and there was a big tadoo about what to do? no one had any money to bury her but when my dad had died she already had a plot and her name on a headstone. I myself want to be cremated and so does my husband but I just couldn't burn my mom. I just couldn't. Maybe that is how he feels? Personally I want to be creamated and so does my hubby then we want out ashes put together....might sound creepy but i just want to always be with him. :) Talk to him about it. I would say let him do what he wants....you're dead what do you care? A funeral is more for the serviving anyway right?
9. If he believes that what happens to the body after death has significant bearing on how your soul dwells unto eternity, then I can understand why he would be upset. Definitely time to sit down and talk to him about what you want and what he thinks he can do. Now is the time for some serious compromises on both your parts.
10. Who takes brain donations? I've never heard of that.
11. I hate to say this, but when you die your funeral is for him. It's about his closure and his mourning. It's not for you. Throughout history there have been a lot of people who tagged all sorts of selfish requests onto their funerals. Places they wanted to be buried and things they wanted said, but the services and rituals after your death are not about pleasing you. They are about letting the living say good-bye and begin the healing process. When you are gone, you will not be one ounce happier or sadder based on where your body is buried or what is done with it whether the marines have more christmas toys to hand out. Don't tag requests onto your funeral that make your husband's grieving period any more painful. Let him say good-bye in his way.