Safe Luxury

HELP... i'm lost mentally?

Okay, last week I was sick, it's winter here in NZ but I never get sick in winter - NEVER.. Anyway, 2 weeks ago, I heard that the swine flu had got to 11 kids in Auckland(Big city in NZ) in papakura on Sunday, I didn't really care about it for some reason, then on monday this week, I looked on the internet about swine flu, and then it scared me, like a lot (never happened to me before) and then what made it worse, was I accidently clicked on a suicidal site, and another about a person who had the same conditions as me but they all said that they think the world is going to end - now i am a christian, and all i could think about was death, losing my family and dying myself because of swine flu or some epidemic or some kind of disaster or shooting. I literally could not sleep that night. I lay in bed for 6-8hours straight and could not sleep - my eyes were closed but my brain wouldn't let me sleep. And I had this depression and sadness that just felt awful and for the first time fear that was so overpowering that I literally felt as if I was gonna die - During the night I went to my parents room(like a little kid) because I couldn't sleep and told my mum how I felt - she didn't really say anything and fell back asleep - I woke her up again and she said, I have no control over what was going to happen, so then I woke up my little brother and we were watching t.v - i then noticed I didn't eat for that whole night and I needed to eat but I had to force 1 piece of toast down my throat and couldn't the next. Well that didn't get me to sleep, so I told my dad, he said go to sleep, it's just your the way you're thinking. Anyway I tried to sleep and woke them up 3 times during the night but I never got to sleep. But I saw this program about anxiety and depression, looked up something on the net, and that helped me cope through the day, but what didn't help is my dad mocking me asking me "who was gonna die?" I ignored him. Anyway I watched a few videos about why not to worry about swine flu, it helped quite a bit and I finally got 1 hour and a half of sleep, then I read more stuff.. I got a little better by the info given by people online and I was actually able to sleep that night. But before that my dad like changed his attitude, and my mum and dad started treating me as if I'd gone mental or something, my dad forced me to have dinner, my mum asked me if I was okay in that are you mental tone.. and last night I read something about God, and it made me cry, and try to change my attitude because I'm really bad at keeping to his rules, but I'm trying to change, but everytime my brothers do something like ask me for money for smokes I get this awful feeling like that night I couldn't sleep, and I try to forget it. But now every morning all I can think about is death... over the past few years, I've convinced myself that I was safe, and now that I feel and know that I could die so many ways, especially with the swine flu on the brink of a break out - It hurts me every morning, but going to school makes me feel happier and now the simplest things make me happy, the sun coming out just lifts my spirits, music playing makes me gain some kind of hope, but everytime I come home, it kind of shuts that hope down... AND i have known that for about 5-6 years I've had absolutely no ambition, and I have this fear that the world is going to end, but I always try to explain to myself that if I follow God's word, I will be allright, but the thing is It's so big of a shock I don't know if I can handle this, and suicide feels like it would be allright, but I don't want to commit suicide... I wish life was a safe place, like I've thought for the past few years, but now I'm scared, and I get very emotional when someone gets hurt or dies, or is going to die. I'm basically scared that if swine flu doesn't get me, some disaster will... that's all I think about when I'm sitting down Do I make sense? How do I cope?

Public Comments

1. Your parents brought you up this way. Too much to worry about but hey you're not alone!