Safe Luxury

Please can someone review my story?

I have added and changed things since last time, if to long please give names of site I can post it one and get reviews fast for free. Also can you tell me how old you think I am from writing this, so I know if I sound too young. I know it's long so thanks to anyone how does read it. The battlefield was littered with bodies, their blood staining the grass red, if any grass could grow again. A once lush and beautiful landscape, but now it now reeked of death and violence, all trees and plants destroyed, for beauty had no place here now. No race had been spared the carnage, the corpses of Elves and Drekens, bitter enemies in life, lay together in peace, their fallen standards transformed into grave markers for the hundreds of thousands who would never return home. Dust swirled across the field, giving the whole a landscape a ghostly look, masking the violence for an instant, as if the very earth was trying to erase what had happened. The only sound left to be heard were the cries and moans of the wounded; some in death throws, their life blood seeping into the ground making the land seem corrupt. Carrion scavenges roamed the field, the black creatures rumoured to the agent of the Night Lord, attracted to the scent of death, gorging themselves on a free meal, with no distinction on whether their prey was alive or dead, but there was too few people left alive to stop them, too few to save the badly wounded from being eaten alive. In the ruins of the city women lay together, killed near the end, as they had tried to protect the children with nothing more than bread knifes and small bows, their faces unrecognisable as there own, while the children who had survived stood and stared at them, faces white with fear and horror from what they had seen. They had not wanted to be driven from their homes by this war, and now they would stay there forever. Vultures circling the sky alerted others of their kind to the presence of a meal, while meat eating worms, over six meters long, surfaced, pulling up mountains of soil with them, burying those bodies closest to them, and began feeding on anything and everything it their path, even their own wounded, drawn by the smell of blood. In an odd contrast to the ragged and blooded people surrounding him, the Night Lord stood clothed in near perfection, deep black silk shirt and trousers, black knee length boots and a dark green richly embroidered woollen cloak, but even though he had no visible weapons the violence did not seem to have touched him, he didn’t look like he belonged on the battlefield. But he did have a weapon; the proof of it surrounded him. Dead men, Elves and even Drekens who had dared to defy him were sprawled around him, more missing limbs than were not. From his vantage on a nearby hillside the Night Lord smiled, showing a row of sharp, white, teeth in a dark, almost black, inhuman face. He felt a fierce joy, for even in defeat he could relish the pain and suffering of others, pain that he had caused, to get revenge, to take away from them what he had had take away from him, and to try out his plans for his final attack on this world. For this was not the final battle, as the people living on this pathetic lump of rock were calling it, nor was it the first, this was just a skirmish in the thousands of years they had been at war, yet these people could not remember the last time they had fought, nearly two thousand years ago, let alone the first. They had defeated him true, but he had accomplish all that he had wanted to do this time, he had killed two of the Three’s Spirit partners, and destroying the one place that every living creature thought of as a place of peace and tranquillity, showing them that nothing was safe, nothing was sacred. The city of Can’salinair had been completely destroyed, and this world never see it’s like again. Now when the battle for Nathunia commenced in earnest, they would be afraid of losing everything, so they would only try and save their own and nothing else, but he would be stronger and more powerful than they expected and he would take everything they loved and destroy it, and make them see the life in it’s true light. He had not even participated in the battle beyond using the Power to destroy those who had dared to try and attack him. He had left the battle in the charge of his underlings, to see how they planned the attack, to see how the others countered it, to get a better grip on tactics of these people, but it had not changed much since the last time, or even the time before that. For this was just the storm before the end, that would happen so soon, so very soon. And then he would see who would defeat who. He would take away everything they had and he would gain dominance over Nathunia, and all would beg for mercy before him. A crunch of bones beneath heavy boots called him out of his reserve, and he turned to see the Three walking up the hillside with only a single Spirit partne

Public Comments

1. :) it's reallly really good !!!
2. Focus more on specifics, I think...The grass being stained red is a great start, but be wary of hurrying your audience through the more important aspects of your narrative (city of Can'salinair completely destroyed *what does it look like? how did it get destroyed?* they would be afraid of losing everything *why? what is it about this battle that makes it so all-or-nothing?*) Describe this "Power" your character has, how it's effective, what it is, etc. A crunch of bones beneath heavy boots is also good--I like how you meld these distinct details into your portrait here, but don't be lazy. Explode every moment possible, and don't cheat the reader (or yourself!) out of the details which will most viciously impact them.
3. This is pretty good but will need some rewrites. First of all let me suggest that you finish the story completely and then return to begin what will be the first of several, several rewrites. That's just the way it works. As you write it, you are too close to the story to see the most glaring mistakes but each time through you'll make it better. As for this entry; you have some passages that are less than clear. In others you have some statements that really don't make sense and even though it's a fantasy story you should add as much realism as you can. Such as the first line talking about the bloody grass; "The battlefield was littered with bodies, their blood staining the grass red, if any grass could grow again" Bloody grass will grow fine. If there is some mystical quality to the blood that will kill the grass, you'll need to explain that but as written your sentence is kind of silly. Animals and people die all the time, every day, and act as fertilizer for grass and other plants. Why were the plants destroyed? People fighting with swords etc wouldnt' be taking the time to cut down trees on the battlefield. Dust clouds blowing around? From where? If the landscape is green grass and trees, where is the dust coming from? Later in the first paragraph you talk about the wounded adding their blood to the ground. This sentence should be with the other one, talking about the blood on the grass. You talk of elves and drekens being among the corpses, then people being dead in the city. This doesn't tell us if the city was an elven city or a human one. It could even be a dreken one, as I am assuming the drekens to be an evil 'orc-like' humanoid race but they could be the name for regular humans. Some clarification would be nice there. The women were killed in the city but the fact that children were as well is not entirely clear. I could see where some might think that the children still lived, looking white-faced at their dead mothers. Why doesn't the Night Lord at least have some blood splattered on him? Why would some of his minions, presumably the drekens again, have defied him in the middle of a battle and have to be killed by him? You say that he lost this battle in the fourth paragraph, which is too long by the way, but it seems that his people must have won if they managed to kill all the defenders and then slaughter all the townsfolk. Clarification is again needed. One last thing I'll have to mention; the 'crunch of bones beneath heavy boots'? Where did the bones come from? Did people spontaneously shed their bones upon dying? They've only been dead a little while and some aren't quite there yet. Why are these bones so dry that they crunch? How big and heavy are these 'Three' and their lone 'Spirit partner' that they can crunch bones beneath thier boots? Sounds like someone needs to be on a diet badly! Take this criticism constructively, as that is how it is intended. You are a good writer so keep at it. Finish the book, then return for the rewrites. Don't worry about getting every little part perfect before continuing on; that's a mistake too many writers make.
4. It's really good! Just watch out for a run-on sentences. A few examples, with my edits: The once lush and beautiful landscape, now reeked of death and violence. All trees and plants had been destroyed; beauty had no place here now. No race had been spared the carnage. The corpses of Elves and Drekens, bitter enemies in life, lay together in peace. Their fallen standards were transformed into grave markers for the hundreds of thousands who would never return home. The black creatures rumored to the agent of the Night Lord roamed the field. They were attracted to the scent of death and gorged themselves on a free meal, with no distinction on whether their prey was alive or dead. Too few people were left alive to stop them; too few to save the badly wounded from being eaten alive. In the ruins of the city women lay together, killed as they had tried to protect the children with nothing more than bread knifes and small bows. Their faces were unrecognizable, while the children who survived stood and stared at them, faces white with the horror of what they had seen. Just a few examples. Really tighten down those sentences and watch places of repetition. For instance, fear and horror are pretty much the same thing, so I took out fear. Good luck, it's a great start!
5. I just want to say DO NOT get discouraged by critique. There’s some very good critique here. You will rewrite, rewrite and rewrite some more before you are finished with your novel. I can read your creativity in this writing you are talented. Good Luck!!
6. i think its good. some words are repeated a little too often i felt, but not too bad. as pecos bill said, you cant change it until its perfect because an editor/publisher will always find mistakes. i would guess you are about.. fourteen/fifteen please answer mine : http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtazGp9Lc6OelcVN3eCiwk8gBgx.;_ylv=3?qid=20090913162446AAI0ChM
7. put it in a drawer for a month, then work on it again...