Safe Luxury

Is my story good so far?

I'm writing a story based off of the video game "Fallout 3" and i wanted to see if there is anything that i should change or anybody that's played the game that could tell me anything that i missed so far. Just give me some advice on writing cause i enjoy it alot, i just want t make sure its good. Thanks! Fallout “Come on Jessica, it’s time to go to school.” Ugh, school. I got out of the desk chair I accidentally slept in from exhausting homework. I got my bag, the one my friend, Alyssa, gave to me many years ago for my birthday. Yes, it’s really old and it still has a big stain from when she accidentally spilled the fruit punch all over, but it’s usable. So I grabbed the bag and said bye to my dad “Bye Dad.” He was studying something on the computer “Bye sweetie, good luck on your G.O.A.T. test! Remember, don’t cheat!” Whatever. As I was walking down the hall in the corner of my eye, I saw a radroach. I immediately put my bag down and got my B-B gun out. Thank god Dad taught me how to use one when I was 10. For some reason, lately there have been many radroach swarms but at least they are very weak. Ever since my mom died, dad has never been the same. He was always very quiet and he never wanted me to bring friends over. Never. Sometimes when I got home after school, I would find him just laying on the couch, staring, at nothing. Poor dad. 6 years later, he’s still doing the same thing. He never wanted to talk about how mom died. I still don’t know how mom died, but that’s going to change very soon. Every time I try to ask about it, he’d always get really mad. Even when he’d get mad I would look into his eyes. Always a hint of sadness and anger. Anyway, I cocked the B-B gun and crouched down. Wow, radroach’s are so stupid. Didn’t even see it coming, as easy as taking candy from a baby. I shoot. All I hear is a big popping sound and guts all over the wall. “Head shot!” I scream, looking around, expecting someone to tell me how good I did, or how cool it looked. But I was disappointed of what I saw. A deserted hallway. My face fell from a smile to a disappointed frown. Well I didn’t want to be late for class so I got up from crouching and put my B-B gun back in my bag. I only kept it there for emergencies. So I ran down the hall to my class, not even thinking about cleaning up the mess of radroach guts on the wall. “Welcome to the G.O.A.T Test! Now I know you’re wondering what GO.A.T stands for, so I’m going to tell you. It stands for a lot of long words that pretty much means it’s an occupational test. This means after you take the test, when I grade it for you, you will have a suggestion for which job here in vault 101 suites you the best. Now before we take the G.O.A.T, I’m just going to review a few facts about our history of Vault 101.” He stated. When I looked around everybody was pretty close to falling asleep. While Mr. Wesley was getting the slideshow ready, I really thought about our history. Do we really live in a vault that millions of years ago a man built to protect us from the -+dangers in life? And did that same man make a rule that if you leave the vault, you could be brutally executed, or never allowed in there again? Well, at least that’s what my dad told me, but from previous experiences, he could have been keeping the whole truth from me and I would have never known. “Now, I think you all know what will happen if you decide to leave the vault right?” No answer. As I looked around, everybody had the most confused face on. Am I the only one who actually knows this stuff? Well I guess I have to give my dad some credit for at least giving me some information about our mysterious world. Since he’s the vault’s one and only doctor, he always knows all the gossip. Lucky! “All right then. Well I guess I could tell you really quickly for the ones who are dying to know.” He says, knowing just by looking at his face that this subject is probably one he likes talking about, or he knows a lot about. “Well, the mayor of Vault 101 made a law that if you try to escape the Vault that the person will be executed very brutally, or the mayor will lock the vault door and make you stay in the horrible world called The Wasteland.” Mr. Wesley stated, adjusting his glasses also. I really don’t know why he wears glasses. I’ve seen him at the trade store buying contacts and some cake mix. I guess he wants to look smarter, or sexier. All of my friends think he is the hottest thing ever, but I always want to vomit even thinking about Mr. Wesley and sexy in the same sentence. Eeww!! “But there’s only been one person that’s ever escaped the Vault. Anyway, nobody even knows where the door to the vault is, and it probably wouldn’t even open because of all the rust. So don’t even think of trying to escape the vault because there is heavy security anywhere close to the door. Even the one that escaped to Vault, I heard he didn’t even have time to try to find any humanity before he got eaten alive by the mole rats

Public Comments

1. Well, unfortunately, I have to get ready for work, so I only read about half of this. But I will still say it is a good start. I like how you draw the reader right in, putting us right into the story. Your language shows the main character's personality, placing us inside Jessica's head. We see the father's character too, learning some background about him and Jessica's mother. I would only suggest a bit of formatting and grammar fixes. For example, this story is currently made of one HUGE paragraph! Try to break it up. Whenever you're talking about a new subject, you should start a new para. You also need a new para whenever a different person is speaking. Like this: “Come on Jessica, it’s time to go to school.” Ugh, school. I got out of the desk chair I accidentally slept in from exhausting homework. I got my bag, the one my friend, Alyssa, gave to me many years ago for my birthday. Yes, it’s really old and it still has a big stain from when she accidentally spilled the fruit punch all over, but it’s usable. So I grabbed the bag and said bye to my dad. “Bye Dad.” He was studying something on the computer. “Bye sweetie, good luck on your G.O.A.T. test! Remember, don’t cheat!” You don't have to break it up exactly this way if you don't want, this is just a start. I also noticed a few places where a period or comma went missing, but a thorough read-through should catch these. Also, a couple places where you state something redundant. Like in the line above: So I grabbed the bag and said bye to my dad. “Bye Dad.” Pick one of the "bye dads", not both are needed. But overall, a very good start; keep working on it!