Safe Luxury

How does this sound?? I appreciate constructive criticism!?

Notice how I said CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!! I can take the criticism that will help me in the end but please leave out all the extra stuff. Ok so here's my story so far. It hasnt gotten to the plot yet but I was wondering if I should go on and elaborate on a few ideas plz! Oh yeah. And if a title pops out to you please express it!! Thnx so muchh!!!! :D It’s the same thing, different day. I get up in the morning, throw something on, and rush out to the bus. I sleepwalk through school and sneak kisses with my boyfriend in the hallway. In 7th block, I start to get anxious. I start to think about what’s awaiting me at home, in the little cellar that everyone in my family thinks is stuck and useless. They’re all these deep, dark secrets of the world that I am on the brink of discovering. I can’t let it show in my face, or otherwise I’ll be asked questions. Questions lead to suspicion and I can’t have that. Mrs. Bouchard, our Spanish teacher was trying to get the class to quiet down and as usual, it never works. So, she sits at her desk and waits for the teacher’s pet, Kelsey, to tell everybody to shut up. That takes about 5 minutes and when we’re finally quiet, Mrs. Bouchard goes into her lecture about how we’re so disrespectful. Basically, it was a waste of breath for her. I was waiting for the day when every teacher would see the light. So we sat there with our rebellious smiles on, arms crossed over our chests. She particularly dislikes me. The fact that I can never pay attention yet get good grades and know exactly what the class is talking about just irks her. She’s one of those teachers that love to put kids on the spot and she can’t do that with me. In the beginning, when I would have my head down, I can could feel her smug smile on me as she taps me on the shoulder. I look up defiantly and focus in on her small, pale blue eyes. She says cockily, “ Glad you could join us. Could you tell the class the answer to question 4?” My memory automatically pulled up an imaginary file from about 5 minutes ago. We were conjugating the verb tener. Question 4 had the form of tu. I smiled and said, “ Tienes.” She looked shocked, one because she didn’t put me on the spot, and two, I didn’t even have my book open. Hot flames of embarrassment rose up onto her narrow cheeks. Huffing, she yelled, “Open your book!” I smiled and replied, “Yes ma’am.” I can see Mel looking over at me with this proud and amused look. I glanced over at him with a wink. He laughed his loud, intruding laugh. Mel is my newest friend, he moved to Suffolk from Norfolk. He has a stepbrother named Reggie and he cracks me up all the time! He’s so crazy and random. I turn around to find him looking at me. He pretends to check me out all dramatically, which makes me laugh. As I’m turning back around, I catch Philip’s eye. We stare at each other smiling like fools the whole time. He is my current boyfriend and is by far the quietest. I’ve known him for about 2 years. He’s one of my best friends. I tell him everything. Well, everything that I think he could handle. If I let him into my mind, and let him see all the complicated thoughts and theories I have, his head might explode from all the thinking. He always says you can tell me anything but everybody knows that’s a lie. He would completely freak out and never speak to me again. So I tell him how much I love him, make him feel safe with me. As if I'm staying forever and ever. It's all a process. A long one but once you get the hang of it, it's mechanical. Like riding a bike.

Public Comments

1. Oh! very interesting, though i think its too spotty. I would start with the school scene first before the character gets real interesting, you seem to be placing this and that , do sound fun, but for an introduction, like a said, needs to set something, uhmmm character, setting? i see alot of personality so that thats great! <3
2. The obvious is the piece has no paragraphs. It needs to be broken up into paragraphs. Since there are no tabs, paragraphs should be separated by a blank line. The tense is incorrect. "So, she sits at her desk and waits for the teacher’s pet, Kelsey, to tell everybody to shut up." "Sits" should be sat. "Waits" should be waited. In 7th block, I start to get anxious. (I am not sure if this is a local term. When I see "7th block," I think of prison. I recommend finding a writing community. http://sites.google.com/site/allusionsanddreams/home/resources-1 www.legendfire.com is friendly www.superheronation.com offers more then information for super heroes and comic books. Very good writing resource.
3. I'd say its good but it isn't GREAT.....Theres a lot of description of what is happening in the classroom but nothing is really particulary grabbing me-perhaps if you added some more dialect, differetn desciption of what is happening or somekinda of twist it might make it more interesting. I'll tell you this much-the plot definatly need to be worked on!-figure out what all the important points and character are in the plot and seperate them from the less important ones then work from there