Safe Luxury - My mom has me so angry I can't see straight, advice (very long)?

My mom has me so angry I can't see straight, advice (very long)?

This is not LGBT related (besides me being gay), but I got 1 answer in Family. I know here I will get peoples real thoughts. Thanks my LGBT kin. About two years ago, my dad was in an accident. He was in a coma for a month, had about 10 surgeries, and was in an unstable state but finally he has reached a stable state where he can come home. He is unfortunately a paraplegic now (paralyzed from mid-back down). Anyway, it was his fault so our insurance paid for everything and his insurance also has given him a couple lump sums of money to help set up the house for his new needs. I'd say altogether we've gotten about $45,000 for all his injuries, surgeries, and such. He also was forced into an early retirement and now gets a combined amount of $1,800 a month. The lump sums of money were put into my moms account for "safe-keeping," and also to pay bills and rent for the house. Also for her living expenses (even though she has a job) Over time, it went unnoticed because my brother and I were at school and my dad was in the hospital, she has slowly gambled it away. Literally, almost about $20,000 of it is gone. We know she gambled it away because all the bills were behind and on disconnects, she admitted to it, and she hocked some of our possessions unknowingly. Also, her paychecks were all used gambling too. She wrote my dad a note saying this. She said, "It's a horrible addiction, but it's the only thing that stops me from being so depressed and missing you." For the record, before this accident my parents were fighting so much they were on the brink of a divorce. They were barely in the same room as eachother. Also, she was suppose to be in charge of getting the house ready for my dad (building a ramp, cleaning it up, making space). She took off TWO months of unpaid leave to do this and I've seen nothing. The ramp isn't built and my dad was suppose to come home this week. However, I just found out via her facebook-- no she didn't call me-- that my dad is being moved to Chicago for exploratory surgery by neurologists. I am very excited about this but had to find out by the internet. I called my dad and he filled me in. I feel like she is ruining everything, not just for the overall family, but for my dad who needed someone there. I was only 19 when this happened, and couldn't take over the funds. I am so mad. She has called/texted me about 5 times today and I am ignoring it. I am so fed up. I just want to scream. She is my mom, I love her, she brought me into this world, but a MOTHER doesn't do that to her FAMILY. I want to confront her but my dad said not to because she has nervous breakdowns. I am scared she would go crazy and do something stupid. I don't know how my dad does it. She hocked her wedding band. She spent his money that was suppose to go toward handicap accessibility stuff. Please tell me what I should do, because at this second I am about to just never talk to her again. No one on my dad side, her side, or her friends know this. Just my dad, my brother and I and my dad said don't say anything. I am not the type to keep quiet. And then people have commented on this status saying, "Oh, you are such a strong woman, wife and mother for making it through this," "(dad's name) should feel so proud to have you as a wife." I am just sitting here with my hands shaking in rage. I don't know whether I should be hurt or angry. I should also add that I shouldn't know about the money/gambling issue. She told my dad not to tell anyone. But he confided in me and my brother.

Public Comments

Best thing to do in situations like these is to write her. Take your time and sit down and write down everything. How you feel about the situation, what you see happening, and her state. Don't do it in a hateful mean way, but in a loving caring way. But let her know you don't approve and its wrong to do what she is doing. That's about the only advice I have. Just continue to be there for your dad. Good Luck!!!!
The only solution I can really think about is to talk to her. She clearly feels bad. Don't act aggressive of accusatory, though, but don't be so soft that she doesn't do anything. Basically, act like a parent to her. Cheers and hope, Captain Jack.
If your mother has admitted she has a gambling problem but is not doing anything about it, then she needs to be stopped. You need to enlist your brother in this. The both of you need to visit your father and get him to realize that the woman is squandering away the money that is intended for HIS benefit. He needs to contact the bank that houses the account and have it switched into his name -- if he's awake and lucid, he can start writing checks to get things done. If he's NOT willing to do that, then he's deluding himself. In which case, you and your brother then need to sit down with your mother and tell her that her actions are intolerable. Tell her the truth -- if the insurance company finds out that she's using the money for gambling instead of what it was intended for, she could go to jail. And if both plans fail, contact the police department and find out if they have a fraud division -- they'd be able to suggest other viable options to protect what are essentially your father's financial interests. Finally, calm yourself. You'll get nowhere if you let your emotions dictate your actions. You need to be in control and diplomatic -- it's the only way to effect any compliance from others.
NORMALLY I would suggest a calm discussion with your mother in the hopes of getting her to see reason, get some help for her addiction and her personality disorders and get things on the right track. The problem HERE is twofold: First, addicts generally don't admit their addiction quickly, and they resist treatment for it. They are not rational, and there usually isn't enough time to coddle them and work your way through the problem because there are other factors at stake. That leads to the main problem which is that your father is in SERIOUS need right now, he is terribly vulnerable and his requirements HAVE to come first. And that's why I suggest that you speak with an lawyer, let them know what has happened, tell them about the addiction and the spending, and get yourself designated power of attorney by the court. That will put the monies meant for your father's recovery in YOUR hands and make you the decision maker in terms of his recovery and treatment. Again, I wouldn't normally recommend this but in this case I think it's in your father's and the family's best interest if your mother was legally removed from the situation until she can get some treatment.
i think you and your brother need to sit down and talk to her about it.. make things real for her... explain in detail the things that your dad is missing out on.. she has admitted that she has a problem... i know she has caused your family alot of hurt and pain, and for that im sorry, but your mom desperately needs you and your brother right now.. its time to put your foot down with her... and if your dad is feeling up to it, he should have his input too.. you, your brother and your dad can sit down with her and talk to her in a way that wont cause her to have a nervous breakdown... have your dad tell her what he is missing out on because of her... tell her how it makes you feel.... i know this has got to be a horribly tough situation, sorry i couldnt give you better advice, i have never been where you are at... but best of luck to you and your family!!!
my heart goes out to you... it really does. the best suggestion i can think of is the first one suggested. write a letter. that way you can don't have to worry about saying anything rash or that you'll regret. you can take your time to go over it again and ensure that you've said everything you've need to say.. and since your so (understanbly) upset, this would probably be the easiest way to speak your mind, without totally losing it on her. Best o' Luck!
If ever there was a problem that should not be posted on Y!/A for feedback, this is it. First of all, you're going to attract a squadron of stupid, idiotic, immature trollers (there! I did use the term that I swore I'd never use---but I can't think of a more appropriate term to use now), and almost as many religious zealots. You have a very, very complicated problem, too much emotion invested in it (quite appropriately so!), and silly, off-the-top-of-the-head responses aren't going to help you at all. Contact Gamblers Anonymous for suggestions on dealing with your mom. If you are at all religious, please speak to your spiritual leader. Whether you are or are not religious, please find a well-educated, trained, trusted counselor or therapist, and---an ATTORNEY! I am not trying to proselytize when I suggest the following, please believe me: If you don't have a clue as to a professional to whom you should speak, please contact a local Episcopal Church and ask if you can make an appointment with the rector (pastor). Every Episcopal priest is also a highly- trained counselor, and will not advise you from a religious standpoint unless you specifically ask for that. So, even if you are an unbeliever, or even if you are hostile to organized religion, I stand by this suggestion. If the priest asks how you came to contact him or her, just say that an Episcopalian friend in California suggested that you do so. From reading your problem, it doesn't seem that too much of the money is left, so get on the job NOW before it is too late. If the money runs out, not only is your mother going to suffer, but SO WILL YOUR DAD---and that's not fair! Re your "Additional Detail": I don't CARE that she told your dad not to tell anyone; she's hurting herself and him; her problem is only going to get worse if it's not checked NOW. So what's she going to do if she finds out your dad told you and your brother (as he definitely should have)---unplug him? She's got to be confronted and stopped AT ONCE; but, let a professional suggest exactly how you should do that.
You have some good sensible answers here already. Your mother has an admitted gambling addiction but apparently does not have the willpower to do anything about it. You and your brother are (from your description) both non-assertive and indecisive. Because your father is also non-assertive, this makes the problem even worse. Follow the advice you've already been given and see someone who can help you and provide counseling. Some have already been mentioned. But also if your city has a department of family counseling services they could probably guide you as well. Good luck.